now i'm here all alone (waiting for you)
by danahscott
Summary: When the person she thought she could love walked away, Josh Matthews showed up right next to her. You can't help who you love. Maya knows firsthand that that's true. or, the opposite of a joshaya fic. (shameless josh bashing with a healthy dollop of lucaya, please enjoy and keep that in mind)


As soon as Maya was old enough to understand what love was, her mother sat her down and told her the kind of man she wanted her to have when she grew up. Even then, Maya knew her mom was telling her not to make the same mistakes she did. Of course she didn't listen. She wouldn't be her mother's daughter if she had. There was a time when she tried, and that crashed and burned, and when the person she thought she could love walked away, Josh Matthews showed up right next to her. You can't help who you love. Maya knows firsthand that that's true.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

It's been two years since the ski lodge and someday hasn't come yet. It's a strange kind of pain - a longing for something that should already be hers. This now, but later him. It's a sort of mantra, and it only kind of works. Except he doesn't hold her hand anymore. And he smiles at her a lot less. And sometimes, when he thinks she isn't looking, he rolls his eyes. If the rug is being pulled out from under her, she wouldn't be shocked.

But then, they'll be at a Matthews family wedding or Riley's sixteenth birthday party and he'll ask her to dance and kiss her cheek, and whisper the word, "Soon," into her ear. She falls in love with him a little more then. She opens herself up a little bit then.

Lucas is a hum in her ears. They're friends again. (Not really.) Riley is with Farkle, Smackle is with Zay, and Lucas is with no one. Maya guesses that she's with no one, too, not really. They spend a lot of time together, but they don't really talk to each other anymore. They talk over each other, around each other. He still makes Maya's stomach somersault and she doesn't like it. She doesn't want to lose herself again. She doesn't want to lose herself in him.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

Maybe when Maya agreed to someday, she didn't think it would ever come. But now she's sitting in a bench in Central Park, and Josh is sitting next to her, and he is saying "This summer. I think I'll be ready this summer."

The summer before her senior year. The summer before his senior year. He's ready. He's finally ready. It doesn't feel real. There is a month left of school before Maya is finally done waiting.

"Hey," he says, and he is smiling. "There's a party this Saturday. I want you to come. I want to show you off."

He doesn't ask her if she'll go with him. He knows her answer is yes.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

It's a Thursday night and Maya and Lucas are studying together, if studying means Lucas trying to quiz Maya on the chemistry homework while she scrolls through Twitter. She suddenly says, "I'm going to a party with Josh tomorrow."

Lucas is silent for a long time before he says, "Like a college party?"

"Yes, like a college party."

Lucas hesitates when he speaks. "Do you really think that's a good idea?"

Maya presses her lips together. He says that to her a lot. "Josh says this summer he'll be ready."

Lucas sighs. It's a losing battle. He knows it's a losing battle. He knows her very well by now. "Is there anything I can say to make you not go?" Maya's silence is answer enough. "Please be careful. And text and check in with me. And again when you get home. Are you telling Riley?"

"Of course not. She'd never let me go alone, and Riley definitely shouldn't be at a college party."

"Yeah, and maybe you shouldn't either."

"Lucas, I'll be with Josh. So nothing will happen to me. He'll look out for me."

Lucas' silence is an answer too.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

Her mother had told her to find someone who will take care of her, and keep her safe. "And make sure you're happy when you're with him, Maya. Make sure he doesn't make you sad when you look at him."

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

Maya watches Josh from across the room. The music is loud, and Maya can sort of hear a girl getting sick in the bathroom. She has too much pride to admit to herself that Lucas might have been right, that this might have been too much for her. She stayed in the corner with Josh for the first twenty minutes before some of the guys in his fraternity called him over. He told her to sit tight and he'd be right back.

It's fine. Maya doesn't mind being the wallflower. Actually, she prefers it these days. She watches Josh - he looks so comfortable, happy. Glowing. It's moments like this when Maya feels like an extension of Josh's life instead of a part of it. This is what he's like to everyone else, but it's not what he's like around her. It makes her feel lonely.

But fuck it. Maya's here, one month away from having what she's wanted since she was thirteen, and she's at a college party, so why not have a drink? There's a keg in the opposite corner, and the distance between her corner and that corner isn't too hard to cross. She can hear Lucas' voice in her head telling her that this is a bad idea. As she grabs a cup, the voice starts screaming. And, as if she's summoned him, once she takes a swig, her phone buzzes in her pocket.

She ignores it. The beer tastes gross but it settles warmly into her stomach. She wants everything to become fuzzy and light, so she chugs her cup and refills. Josh is not there to stop her, and Lucas is not there to stop her either, and Riley is probably off somewhere with Farkle, no clue where Maya is or what she's doing. That's what Maya wants. For all the voices in her head to go quiet. Just for a little while.

Five minutes later, Maya is back in her corner, feeling slightly tipsy, and talking to one of Josh's frat friends. His name is something like Henry, or Harry or something starting with a H, and Maya doesn't care. She'll make conversation. And then ten more minutes pass. She's not paying attention to what Henry/Harry is saying. She's lost Josh in the crowd. Maya doesn't care if she's rude, she's toeing the line between tipsy and drunk and she sees a head of black hair and a grey jacket and she moves.

"Hey, can you hold my drink?" she says to Henry/Harry, who takes it from her. There are so many people here, but Josh is tall enough that she doesn't lose him in the crowd. She grabs his arm and he turns around, eyebrows raised. If he looks slightly annoyed, Maya says nothing.

"I thought you were gonna show me off," she says, leaning into him. He takes a step back.

"Yeah, where have you been?"

He's pretending, but that's fine. Maya will pretend too. "Talking to your friend Henry. Over there in the corner."

"You mean Harry?"  
Oh. Whoops. "Well, I'd rather be talking to you."

Someone calls out Josh's name. He looks in the direction of the shout, then back to Maya, a little agitated. "Why don't you finish up your conversation with Harry and I'll be there in five minutes? Ten minutes tops." He's already walking away when she opens her mouth, so Maya, dejected, goes back to her corner and takes her drink back.

"Hey, I filled it up for you," Harry says. Good. The fuzzier the better. Her phone won't stop ringing, but Maya isn't going to pick up. Eventually, Lucas will stop calling. And in five minutes, Josh will be back, and maybe the evening might actually go somewhere.

And then, it's five minutes later, and Maya is way drunker than she thought. Josh is nowhere to be found. Harry has his hand on her elbow and his touch feels hot and sticky. The room spins around her. Where's Josh? Maya wants to get out of here. She didn't drink enough for this bad a reaction, she shouldn't be dizzy. Something is wrong. "Hey, let's get out of here," Harry whispers, and even through her drunken sludge, his voice makes her shudder.

"No, I can't -" Her words are slurred and sloppy. "Where's Josh?"

"Let's go to a room. Just follow me," he says. Maya can't really fight him, not really. He seems to know this - Maya's fear is threatening to swallow her whole. But with a brief burst of energy, she pushes away from him, ripping her hand from his grasp, and it's enough to send her reeling backwards towards the ground.

Before she hits, though, soft hands catch her, guide her down gently. They aren't Josh's though. He's not the one to save her. Maya's on the floor now, staring up at the ceiling. Her eyelids feel so heavy, but fear keeps her awake. From a faraway place, she hears Harry cry out in pain, and from the sound of a thump, he seems to have hit the floor hard. "What the fuck did you put in her drink?" It's a girl's voice. Not a familiar one. Maya can't concentrate on whatever Harry says next. The party rages all around them, and her head feels too close to people's moving feet.

The hands are on Maya's elbows again, and she's being pulled up by a gentle touch. This girl smells like a strange mix of lavender and sweat. She is pulling Maya away from Harry and the party. Maya trusts her, but it wouldn't matter if she did or not because she isn't strong enough to fight off anyone right now. But this girl is careful with her, like she can feel Maya's fear. Maybe she can.

Within moments, the cool outside air fills Maya's lungs and the New York City breeze has never felt better against her skin. "What's your name?" the girl asks, pulling Maya to the grass and to the side. The beat from the music still pulses inside the house.

"Maya," she mumbles.

"Okay, I'm Emily." Her smile is warm and soft. "Let's sit down." Emily guides Maya to the ground and sets her up against a tree, which is good, because Maya doesn't trust her legs right now. "Don't be scared, okay? Try and stay awake a little longer."

Maya nods, but it's a loose promise at best. Emily reaches into Maya's back pocket and pulls out Maya's phone where it is still buzzing and answers it, but Maya doesn't listen. She just focuses on the things that can anchor her: spring air, the half-full moon, and the sound of distant cars rushing by.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

Lucas is calling Maya for the twelfth time tonight. He told her to check in, and she didn't listen, and now he's just imagining all the bad things that can happen to a high school student at a college party. He's considering just hanging up and calling her parents, or Riley, or even fucking Josh, when there's an answer on the other line.

"Hello? Who is this?"

Lucas' heart seizes with worry. That's not Maya's voice. "Where's Maya?"

The voice is firm. Unflinching. "Who is this?"

"Lucas Friar," he says, only vaguely realizing that whoever this girl is, his name means nothing to her.

"Her phone just says Huckleberry. I'm asking how you know her."

"I'm her…" Lucas stops for a moment, wondering how to answer that. "Friend. Close friend. Where is she, is she okay?"

He wants to hear Maya's voice. He knew she shouldn't have gone to that party, and he had a sick feeling in his stomach when she stopped answering. Now, the pause on the other end of the line goes on too long. "Something happened, but she'll be okay." Before Lucas can ask what that means, the girl continues. "Do you have a car? Can you drive?"

"Yes," Lucas answers for both questions.

"Can you come get her?"

His knuckles are white. His heart is beating out of his chest. He's already putting his shoes on. "I'll be there in ten minutes."

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

Lucas can hear the bass throbbing all the way from inside his car. As he pulls up to the curb, he wishes he could have been enough to convince Maya to stay home. She used to listen to him. Why did that go away?

He's prepared to go charging into the party to find her, when he checks his phone. Text from Maya: _By the trees in the side yard._ When he reads that, he breaks into a run. He has to find her and make sure he's okay. He has the responsibility to do that for his friends, but maybe especially for Maya. When he sees her, he comes to a full stop.

She is slumped against the truck of an oak tree, head hung low, with a college girl sitting next to her, holding her arm. A twig snaps underneath his feet. The college girl stands up and walks towards him, but not too far from Maya, who doesn't move. Not even a little. His heart is in his mouth.

"Are you Lucas?"

The words propel him into motion. "What happened to her? What's wrong with her?" He doesn't feel the need to look back at this girl, only charging towards Maya. He needs to touch her, to know she's okay.

"I'm Emily. Can you get her to your car?" the girl says. Lucas wishes she'd just tell him what happened, but she seems to know what she's doing. When he leans in close to Maya, she smells like beer. Her eyes are loosely closed. His breath feels painful in his chest.

When he touches her, though, her eyes open, just a little. "Lucas?" she says. Her voice is weak and small.

"I'm here."

"I'm scared."

"I know," he says, but before he gets the words completely out, her eyes close again. His mouth feels really dry all of a sudden. He slips an arm under Maya's neck and under the bend in her knees. She's heavy in his arms, just dead weight. Emily follows him as he takes Maya to the car. He lays her gently in the passenger seat, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, and locking the doors - making sure she can't get out of his sight.

Emily is standing, watching this happen. She looks suspicious, a little nervous. Lucas takes a few steps towards her - but not too far from the car. "What happened?" He doesn't mean to sound so panicked, but his insides have turned into chaos.

"Someone slipped something into her drink."

And then the chaos turns into ice. If Maya wasn't right behind him, if she didn't need him right now, he would already be inside, beating the crap out of whoever did that to her. But then he catches the bruises already on Emily's knuckles and he can breathe again. "Is she gonna be okay? Do I need to - to take her to the hospital or something?"

"I don't think so. This happened to one of my friends last semester. She just needs to sleep it off."

Lucas nods. He doesn't know what else to say. He feels numb, confused. Mostly angry. And maybe a little embarrassed to find his eyes stinging.

Emily shifts on her feet. She looks towards the car again. "How old is she?"

Lucas rubs the back of his hand over his wet eyes and clears his throat. "She's seventeen."  
"What the hell is she doing here?"

"That's what I'm thinking right now." He shakes his head. Tries to focus. "Her boyfriend goes here. He brought her."

"Where's he, then?"

"I don't know." Luckily for Josh, that's true. His eyes fill again and he tilts his head to the sky and swallows thickly. "I'm sorry, just - You're sure she'll be okay?"

Emily nods. "Yeah, just keep a close eye on her." She pauses for a moment, taking a few steps closer to the party. "You seem like a good friend."

Not really, Lucas thinks. But he doesn't say anything. He tells her thank you, but it's not enough. And then he gets inside his car, next to Maya. He makes sure her seatbelt is on. And he sits there for a few moments with the engine off, sitting in the quiet darkness, next to his best friend, but in every way that matters, alone.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

Maya wakes up in Lucas' bed three hours later with the worst hangover she's ever had. She knows it's Lucas' bed because he is sitting with his back against the wall looking at her, his eyes wide and shiny. She doesn't say anything. Partly because she doesn't remember everything that's happened tonight, and partly because his jaw is locked in the way it is when he's angry.

She wants to remember what she did to earn that anger before she says anything. But Lucas beats her to it. "I told you not to go. Why didn't you listen?" Those words unlock her memory, and it comes back in a blur that makes her head hurt even harder. Maya winces and tries to sit up. Lucas is at her side in a second, helping her. "Are you okay?"

She shuts her eyes. "Yeah," she mumbles, surprised by how hoarse her voice is, "but my head -"

"Here." He presses a glass of water into her hands, and she's grateful for it. A bit of nausea bubbles up inside her but she pushes it back down. Lucas's gaze is burning into her. She doesn't want to confront what that means right now - what any of this means. And because it's Lucas, she knows he already understands that. But he's angry with her.

"Sorry," she says, with a half shrug. Even that movement sends another dull, aching throb into the rest of her body. It's so dark outside, she doesn't know what time it is. The last thing she remembers is Lucas' hand on her shoulder and that college girl who helped her standing next to him. The rest is a blank.

"Don't," he says. "Don't say that. It's not your fault."

"Didn't you just give me an 'I told you so?'" Maya makes a feeble attempt at a joke, but Lucas doesn't even come close to laughing.

"I never want to have another phone call like that, okay?" Lucas looks at her in that way he does sometimes, like he's seeing right inside her. That's how Maya knows this is important. She nods. He closes his eyes for a moment. Everything is tense between them, but not in an unfamiliar way. She knows how he feels about Josh. That isn't a secret. And she just proved him right in the worst possible way. "What do you remember?" he asks her.

"Most of it, I think." She pauses for a moment, trying to think of what to tell him. "I was scared. But I remember seeing you and knowing that I would be safe." Finally, she meets his eyes again. "Thank you for taking care of me tonight."

He doesn't say anything in response. Just presses his hand to hers and squeezes, but that's enough of an answer for her.

"Do you know where my phone is?" she says, after a few moments of silence.

Lucas nods. "Yeah, I plugged it in so it could charge." He hands it to her.

Two missed texts. Josh: hey whered u go? And then, an hour later: see u thursday at our usual time, k?

Usually, Maya brushes it off when Josh is like this. But Lucas is sitting next to her, still worried, and Josh didn't even think to check up on her at a party that he brought her to. She tries to swallow it down, but it gets lodged in her throat. Lucas was there when Josh wasn't. Shouldn't it be the other way around?

She needed him, and he wasn't there. Maybe this time she can't forget that.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

When Josh asks her where she ran off to at the party the other night, she stays decidedly guarded. "I wasn't feeling well, so I got a ride home." It's not a lie, but it's not the truth, either. Maya begins wondering when it started to feel like she and Josh were on opposite sides.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

Just a week after the party, Lucas is over at her house studying when he goes to the bathroom and comes back with a letter. The letter is from the University of Chicago and it has her name on it.

Her stomach starts doing somersaults, but not for the Lucas reason this time. The letter is pinched between his fingers. "Are you already getting college mail? Riley said she got her first letter last week."

"That's not what that is," she says, snatching it from his hand, but it lays unopened in her lap. She can't open it. Not yet. She is sitting cross-legged on her carpet and Lucas eases himself down, facing her. His hands drape lazily over his knees, but his voice seems to sense the weight of the moment.

"What is it?"

"It's - probably nothing. I just - well, I applied to this art program in Chicago, just a summer thing, but… it's really selective so I'm not going to get in." The envelope was thin, but it still felt heavy in her lap. Shouldn't it be thicker? If she got in, it would be thicker.

"...Are you going to open it?" Lucas said, leaning in close to her. Maya bit her lip, then shook her head and held the envelope out to him.

"You do it."

He doesn't hesitate. He tears it open, reads the letter and then a slow grin spreads across his face. It feels like the sun coming out in Maya's heart. Before she knows it, she is on her feet and wrapped in a bear hug, smiling and laughing. She doesn't even think about Josh, and summer, and what this means for them.

She thinks about how happy she is that Lucas is the one with her. The only way it would've been better would be if Riley were there, too. When it comes to good news, she wants them to be the first people to know. She wants them to be proud of her. And Lucas' grin tells her that he is.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

Josh's frown tells her something different. "In Chicago?" he says, reading the letter. Maya nods. He reads it again. Maya wants him to say something, to tell her he's happy for her, excited for her, to smile and hug her like Lucas did. She and Josh were going to be together soon, which meant that when she got this kind of news, he was the first one she was supposed to tell.

But he shakes his head. "I thought… This summer, we were finally gonna - I mean, haven't we waited long enough?"

 _We?_ Maya wants to say. _What have you waited for? Have you waited so long you thought you might fade into the background with no one to notice, and no one to care? Not until your invisible timer went off while the numbers are set by someone else. Have you?_

But she just purses her lips and says nothing. Josh seems to feel the need to fill her silence.

"You don't have to accept, right? I mean, it's not binding."

Maya finally speaks, but the words don't seem to come from her. "No, I don't have to accept."

Josh smiles, satisfied. "Good. This summer, Maya, it's finally gonna happen." His arm is around her, slung in a comfortable way. To anyone else in the park, they must look like a sweet young couple. But Maya can't stop thinking. She doesn't have to accept. But that doesn't mean she won't.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

She first met Josh when she was seven years old, but she didn't remember that much. Just some birthday party for Auggie that she was invited to because she was Riley's new friend. Really, she met Josh when she was thirteen, and she thought she knew what the world was. People like Riley and Lucas were on one side and people like her and Josh were on another.

Josh skateboarded, and wore leather jackets, and laughed like he didn't care what anybody else thought, and Maya thought: that's him. Guys like that go with girls like me. It just makes sense.

And then, it stopped making sense, because even then, when the new boy from Texas smiled at her, she felt her heart jump a little bit in her chest. It didn't do that for Josh. She didn't want Josh to worry, though. She didn't want him to worry for even a moment that she'd go away. She'd be right there, waiting for him, as soon as he was ready. He didn't need to worry about a thing.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

He should be worrying now. It had always been Josh in the same way that it had never been Josh. Lucas drives her to airport as Riley sees her off from the Matthews' apartment. This summer will be the longest they'll have ever been apart, and Riley's already bought a plane ticket to come visit her in Chicago.

She doesn't text Josh until Lucas is pulling into the parking garage: I'll see you in August.

Within a moment, he's typing but Maya clicks her phone off. It's time to cut the last few lingering threads of something that's always been falling apart. Lucas walks her up to the gate. There's still twenty minutes until boarding, and he doesn't want to say goodbye yet. She'll only be gone for three months. It's only a little while and it's a lifetime.

Maya senses these feelings coming from Lucas, so she grins, tongue between her teeth, and says, "What, you gonna miss me, Huckleberry?"

Lucas shakes his head, but not to say no. And then, he kisses her. It's clumsy at first -

she's caught off guard - but soon it just feels right, something Maya could never have had with Josh. But she's reserved when she pulls back.

Lucas is grinning, a little breathless. He looks cute with his cheeks flushed. "Sorry," he says, not looking sorry at all, "but I wanted to do that before you left."

Maya says nothing, but her lips pull up at the corners, just a little.

"If you didn't hate it, maybe I could do it again when you get back."

She shakes her head, and says, "No." His face falls, half confusion, half disappointment. "I don't want you to wait for me, Lucas."

Now, it's all confusion. "It's only three months."

"Not even that long. I know what it's like to wait for someone. I know what it can do to you. And if we try, the two of us, I don't wanna get it wrong."

When he speaks, his voice has a very familiar layer of guarded hopefulness added to it that makes Maya want to kiss him again. "So, what are you saying?"

She smiles. After all this time, after the ski lodge and getting it wrong, and Josh and getting it very wrong, they've made it here. What a beautiful place to be. "You live your life and I live mine. And if, when I get back, we still feel the same, then we'll see. But we won't wait for each other." Maya turns to the window, looking at the airplane she's going to board, the airplane that's going to take her far away. "I think I've waited long enough."

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

Lucas is there to see her plane take off. She told him not to wait for her, but he can't help it. Lucas has been waiting for years.

-::-::-::-::-::-::-

On the plane, Maya checks her phone one last time. It's been buzzing since she parked. Now he calls her. She doesn't answer, but she does read the texts: Maya, what?

And another: What does this even mean

And then: I thought you weren't going.

She looks out the window at the city behind her getting smaller. She knows the boy she loves is down there, and that he'll be there when she gets back. But she's growing closer to another city, and that's where her heart is aching to go. A city with new people, and new lives, where she's not holding back or waiting for anyone anymore. Maya decides to send back one message, but that's all she'll give him, one message: Long game over. You win.


End file.
